Her name is Hope...

January 14Th 2011 is a day that Derrick and I will never forget. It is the day that we were let in on a miracle that God had done in us. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We have been trying for 6 years we've had a rough go with 1 failed adoption and 6 years of frustration that this was just not happening for us. In December a good friend of mine from Kenya called me she wanted to know what was going on with us. I told her nothing.....same old same old.... We were still waiting for a miracle either with adoption or in us. She said God had woke her in the middle of the night and told her to pray for us, to pray for our protection because the hindrance had been removed....whatever was keeping us from getting pregnant God had removed it. I was cautious but hopeful. 30 days from the day we spoke we found out that we were pregnant, now that is a miracle God had done a miracle. Derrick needed more proof that we were pregnant so over a 48 hour period we took 5 tests 2 different brands of course, All positive. Our 1st Dr. visit also confirmed God had done a miracle.

We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!

January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!

Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.

Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.

We Just Have Peace.....

I'm not really sure what to say or how to write what I'm about to write. It kind of feels foreign. D and I still very much want a family and we still know that adoption will be apart of our life, but for some unknown reason this adoption just is not the one. We met a few weeks ago with the birth mom and had a great visit. We discussed all the hard questions and even some of the silly quirky ones. She is fun, responsible, adventurous, kind and a great person who I would love to get to know better. There is no reason we should not move forward with this adoption except something in our gut.

For some unknown reason we both felt like we were not suppose to move forward with this adoption. Can you imagine how D was feeling when he knew he had to tell me he didn't think this was our situation.......Seriously he said he wanted to throw up, He was sure that I was going to loose my mind. I can't imagine why in the world he would think that. When she left and we started talking about how we were feeling we both were unsettled. Again there is no reason we should feel unsettled but we did. We prayed together and separately for the next few days, We still felt unsettled. So we put a huge fleece out before the Lord and said OK God if this is our adoption and we are just wanting to pull back because of Fear show us in this way......We waited and we waited and we waited some more.

After a week we decided that we needed to let this mom know how we were feeling and ultimately let this baby go. So that is what we did. She was understanding and confused because she like us thought that this was a perfect fit. We felt relief and peace. That is all we have to go on, The Peace of God that we made the right decision. It has been a few weeks and we still have peace.

God is God and I believe he sees the beginning from the end. I know that He has a plan for this baby, this birth mom, and for us. I trust that His plan is so much better than mine. We are excited to see what He does next in our journey.

Just a quick update......

So We had a great weekend with the birth mom! She really is taking this decision very seriously. I respect the amount of effort she has put into making the right choice. So all that being said...... No decision has been made yet. D and I are praying for God's best in this situation, and we know that in this situation it does not necessarily mean that we will adopt this baby. We have peace.....Complete peace. We will keep you posted when we know more!! Thanks for continuing to pray for us!

Cat

Don't be afraid, Just Believe...

It has been 6 months since my last post. It, as always, has been a wild ride. We are still believing that God will allow me to get pregnant, but as of yet we are still waiting. We have moved to WA where D has a new job that he loves, and i am still trying to figure out what i need to be doing. Well i guess i should just come out and say it...We are in the adoption process again! We are terrified, excited, apprehensive,and a big ball of emotion. We were not looking for this, in fact, two weeks before all this happened, i told D that i still wasn't ready. The situation in Louisiana ANNIHILATED me, us. I still have a hard time thinking about her without crying. I fell in love with her and my heart does not fall out of love very easy. We think about her and pray for her often we know that God has a plan for her little life.

So here we are. This situation is SO different from the first one: we were approached by some friends in early Dec about a friend of theirs who had found herself in a hard situation...she was pregnant from a one time lapse in judgment...this is so not her MO but here she is pregnant, 29, and so not wanting to be a single mom. Would we agree to just meet her? She just needed someone to talk this adoption thing through with, no promises, just a conversation. We met her and had a cup of coffee and had a long hard conversation about adoption; its benefits and its downfalls for all parties involved. I surprised myself in that i was so business Mary Cat, i intentionally tried not to connect with her, i just couldn't go there again. At the end of our meeting D told her that we would like to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby and i was so mad at him! I just agreed to have coffee, not get hurt again. He's so good for me; he calmly said if we don't ever put ourselves out there again we will regret it. He's right, we will. So, that Dec meeting started a process of e-mailing and answering a ton of her questions about us, about the baby and well all the what ifs... So, here we are this weekend she is coming to visit us from another western state. She wants to have one last visit with us before she makes her final decision.

The other night i couldn't sleep..imagine that. I know God was tugging on my heart to get up and lay my burden down. He woke me up with Mark 5...Mark 5....Mark 5. That is all he kept saying over and over and over. Mark 5 is about 3 very different stories: the demon possessed man, the woman with the issue of blood and the family who's daughter is dying. This chapter is about healing, restoration and raising the dead. Jesus is healing and restoring our hearts and raising this child from the dead. It's about faith and trust, believing that God can do the impossible in our lives. As I type this, I know that God is our healer. He is our portion and nothing is impossible for him to do in our lives! I believe you're my healer, I believe you are all I need, I believe you're my portion, I believe you are more than enough for me, Jesus, you're all I need! The portion of this passage that stood out to me,a few nights ago is "don't be afraid, just believe". God is who He says He is. We can trust Him, even when the outcome is not what we think it should be or should have been we can trust Him He is Trustworthy.

Please pray for us this weekend as we meet with this birth mother and allow God to continue to heal our hearts and restore His promise in our lives....whatever that means.

For the Love of Pete and Fran Just Be Still Already

Why can't we ever force ourselves to just be still? God clearly tells us how to approach Him, He tells us how to hear Him and He even gives us instruction on how to understand what He is saying. " Be still and know that I AM God". It's the be still part that i can never do unless i am forced. i am in bed recovering from surgery. i have tons of time to think, pray and attempt to listen. all in all i feel like God has said it's time to stop whining and it is time to start trusting. This entire journey has had one recurring theme God asking us if we trust Him? With our mouths we have said yes but in our hearts we have cherished fear. Fear is so much easier in the moment,however in the long run it is a cunning trap of the enemy. he distracts us and gets our eyes off of the one who is sovereign and in charge and puts the focus on our navels. Yes its rue, We've been navel gazing for the last 4 years. I'm tired of saying.... Poor me, Why us, It's too hard, i can't do it, It's not fair...... Yeah Yeah, well the cross wasn't fair either but you didn't hear Jesus complaining!! I can't tell you how freeing it has been to finally call it what it is. Fear its just blinking fear!!! Fear of the unknown and fear of the what ifs!!! How stupid can we be. i have been so paralyzed by fear that i feel like we have wasted 4 years of good time just reveling in the stuff.Well, enough is enough!! We are ready to trust, we are ready to listen and we are ready for whatever God has next for us. We are ready to stop picking the lint out of our belly buttons and we are ready to fight.

Through this procedure we have learned that i had several things going on under the hood. There was a large fibroid tumor (non-cancerous) in the middle of my uterus that has been removed. Also i had several fibroid cysts on both of my ovaries thanks to a laser they are now history. There was also quite a bit of endometriosis in there and a pallup on the inside of my uterus. Just to add some extra flair i have one fallopian tube that is healthy and doing her job and the other is Lazy and is only pulling about 25% of her weight. Throw in a partridge and a keg of 1554 and there was quite a little party going on in there!

We will meet with our Dr. on the 20Th to find out what our prognosis is. After surgery he told D that he felt very positive about our chances, now that everything has been cleaned up.D and i are learning everyday what it means to just be still and know. We know that God is in control and we know that He does have a plan for us. Sometimes in the middle of the pain we forget. Thank you all for your encouragment and your prayers we have desperately needed them. As always we will keep you posted!!

Vessel of Hope

Just when you think it's over, there's no hope to be found; The bottom has dropped out and you should probably just shrivel up and die. God ALWAYS has a way of changing our prospective, lifting our head to see things His way. In my world it is never what you think He is going to do or even what you think He should do. He has given us a fresh breath of hope.

Earlier this week i got a phone call from my mom. She works with a girl who is familiar with this road we are walking and has been touched by our deep desire to be parents. She meet with my mom to share her desire to help us become parents. She told her that she believes she is to make herself available to us as a surrogate. She understands what it means, she has weighed the pros's and con's and has decided this would be something of purpose.She said "I know that I would be the vessel that would give them Hope" What an amazing selfless act. This conversation has opened up all sorts of things for D and i. Until this we both felt like our only chance for a family would be adoption or the mighty hand of God healing whatever is wrong in my body. This is an angle we've never thought was even possible.

How would it work? What are the chances? Could we really do this? How do we feel about In-Vetro? All of the things we thought were settled in our minds and hearts are all fresh and open again. We have Hope. Are hearts are active.

We have decided to pursue several options. We are continuing to walk down the adoption road as well as to finally put to rest whether or not i will ever be able to carry a child. We have to figure out my physical issues before we can make the decision to ask someone else to carry a child for us. We will keep you all posted

Cloudy Day

Today is a hard day. I'm not sure what triggered it, I just woke up this morning with a cloud on my head. I want to understand, for just one moment I would like to know why this is our struggle.

I know all the correct things to meditate on, I know where to find them in the bible, I have quoted them to myself 10,0000 times but today I just want to understand......!

My heart aches, my arms are empty and I'm pissed! Why....Why ....Why!!! Un-Wed mothers can, crack addicts can, stray dogs in Mexico can but I can't.It's really pitiful to feel jealous of a dog with a litter.

How do I have purpose, What was I created for if not for this. If children are a blessing from the Lord what have I done to curse myself this way. These are the thoughts that go through my mind in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

I guess this is the ultimate test of faith for us..Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I believe the sun will shine again and this loneliness someday will end, In my mind I know that, I really wish my mind would convince my heart.