Sunday, July 12, 2009

For the Love of Pete and Fran Just Be Still Already

Why can't we ever force ourselves to just be still? God clearly tells us how to approach Him, He tells us how to hear Him and He even gives us instruction on how to understand what He is saying. " Be still and know that I AM God". It's the be still part that i can never do unless i am forced. i am in bed recovering from surgery. i have tons of time to think, pray and attempt to listen. all in all i feel like God has said it's time to stop whining and it is time to start trusting. This entire journey has had one recurring theme God asking us if we trust Him? With our mouths we have said yes but in our hearts we have cherished fear. Fear is so much easier in the moment,however in the long run it is a cunning trap of the enemy. he distracts us and gets our eyes off of the one who is sovereign and in charge and puts the focus on our navels. Yes its rue, We've been navel gazing for the last 4 years. I'm tired of saying.... Poor me, Why us, It's too hard, i can't do it, It's not fair...... Yeah Yeah, well the cross wasn't fair either but you didn't hear Jesus complaining!! I can't tell you how freeing it has been to finally call it what it is. Fear its just blinking fear!!! Fear of the unknown and fear of the what ifs!!! How stupid can we be. i have been so paralyzed by fear that i feel like we have wasted 4 years of good time just reveling in the stuff.Well, enough is enough!! We are ready to trust, we are ready to listen and we are ready for whatever God has next for us. We are ready to stop picking the lint out of our belly buttons and we are ready to fight.

Through this procedure we have learned that i had several things going on under the hood. There was a large fibroid tumor (non-cancerous) in the middle of my uterus that has been removed. Also i had several fibroid cysts on both of my ovaries thanks to a laser they are now history. There was also quite a bit of endometriosis in there and a pallup on the inside of my uterus. Just to add some extra flair i have one fallopian tube that is healthy and doing her job and the other is Lazy and is only pulling about 25% of her weight. Throw in a partridge and a keg of 1554 and there was quite a little party going on in there!

We will meet with our Dr. on the 20Th to find out what our prognosis is. After surgery he told D that he felt very positive about our chances, now that everything has been cleaned up.D and i are learning everyday what it means to just be still and know. We know that God is in control and we know that He does have a plan for us. Sometimes in the middle of the pain we forget. Thank you all for your encouragment and your prayers we have desperately needed them. As always we will keep you posted!!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Vessel of Hope

Just when you think it's over, there's no hope to be found; The bottom has dropped out and you should probably just shrivel up and die. God ALWAYS has a way of changing our prospective, lifting our head to see things His way. In my world it is never what you think He is going to do or even what you think He should do. He has given us a fresh breath of hope.

Earlier this week i got a phone call from my mom. She works with a girl who is familiar with this road we are walking and has been touched by our deep desire to be parents. She meet with my mom to share her desire to help us become parents. She told her that she believes she is to make herself available to us as a surrogate. She understands what it means, she has weighed the pros's and con's and has decided this would be something of purpose.She said "I know that I would be the vessel that would give them Hope" What an amazing selfless act. This conversation has opened up all sorts of things for D and i. Until this we both felt like our only chance for a family would be adoption or the mighty hand of God healing whatever is wrong in my body. This is an angle we've never thought was even possible.

How would it work? What are the chances? Could we really do this? How do we feel about In-Vetro? All of the things we thought were settled in our minds and hearts are all fresh and open again. We have Hope. Are hearts are active.

We have decided to pursue several options. We are continuing to walk down the adoption road as well as to finally put to rest whether or not i will ever be able to carry a child. We have to figure out my physical issues before we can make the decision to ask someone else to carry a child for us. We will keep you all posted

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cloudy Day

Today is a hard day. I'm not sure what triggered it, I just woke up this morning with a cloud on my head. I want to understand, for just one moment I would like to know why this is our struggle.

I know all the correct things to meditate on, I know where to find them in the bible, I have quoted them to myself 10,0000 times but today I just want to understand......!

My heart aches, my arms are empty and I'm pissed! Why....Why ....Why!!! Un-Wed mothers can, crack addicts can, stray dogs in Mexico can but I can't.It's really pitiful to feel jealous of a dog with a litter.

How do I have purpose, What was I created for if not for this. If children are a blessing from the Lord what have I done to curse myself this way. These are the thoughts that go through my mind in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

I guess this is the ultimate test of faith for us..Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I believe the sun will shine again and this loneliness someday will end, In my mind I know that, I really wish my mind would convince my heart.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sometimes it's ok to just listen

We've been home for a few weeks now and honestly the heartache is dulling some. We still struggle but it is becoming easier to want to get out of bed in the morning. I have stopped struggling with why so much and am now just wondering if we can do this again..... If we don't we loose if we do we still might loose.

All of you wonderful woman who have the privilege of carrying a child, giving birth to a sweet baby that is 1/2 you and 1/2 your husband, please enjoy them. Please know what a gift they are. Remember every time they invade your space, cry in the middle of the night for the 4Th time & spill paint on the new carpet please, for all of us who can not or have not yet had the pleasure, please remember what a miracle they are. If you have someone in your life struggling with infertility please hold your words close. All of us who are struggling need a listening ear not a cute antidote or a condescending remark. Infertility is emotionally, physically and spiritually one of the most painful things I have evey gone through. If you can't relate because you have never been there just admit you don't have the words.Just be there for your friends who are experiencing something you will never understand.

hug your babies and your husband today

Monday, May 11, 2009

Let The Healing Begin !

Church yesterday could have been a colossal disaster!! But God..... He knew what my cynical heart needed. As I forced myself to walk into the double doors to hear another sermon on all the virtues of motherhood,I noticed something that could only have been ordered by Him. On the stage in front of me was 85 well dressed college guys singing there hearts out. This choir sang for an hour and a half only one mention of Mothers day. It felt like hot soothing oil was being poured over our heads and our hearts. They sang every old hymn I love and made me cry until I hurt but it was exactly what I needed. I am so glad I went.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Finally Home

Well we did it.... We made it home. I think the airplane ride was one of the longest in my life! I felt like I was leaving my heart in Louisiana!!!!!! All I can say is I'm not sure I ever want to feel that pain ever again. To want something so much and have it so close and then to have it truly ripped out of your heart has to be the most desperate place D and I have ever been in. How do you stop loving this little person that you have dreamed about, hoped for and cherrished before you have ever even been given the opportunity to see her.

The only thing we can do is pray that God would cover her, be her protector and guide her little life. God birthed her in our heart for a reason we can't denie that our paths have crossed for a reason. Preacious Holy Father please redeem this in omly a way that you can. Please touch this life and this family. Make this father and mother lover and care for her better than they ever thought they could. Give her a love for you at a young age, give her eyes and a heart to see you. Lord save her. Give D and I hearts that will not grow bitter but hearts that will see you in every situation. Thanks for continuing to hold us up in prayer.... MC

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Our Journey that brought us to New Orleans

D and I have been looking into adoption seriously for about a year and a half. 8 weeks ago we decided it was time to find a placing agency, we had a local agency that would take care of our home study. Now we needed an agency that would help us find a child who needed a home. We have discovered through this journey that there are 2 camps in the adoption world. Those willing to wait sometimes years for there perfect match (gender, race, eye color.....). I'm not sure what you would label our camp, for D and I we just want babies, we don't care if they look like us we just want to raise a family. We realize that being a conspicuous family has it's issues but our thought is that we want to love and raise children no matter there gender, race or eye color. There is nothing wrong with either camp we are just in the later.

SO 8 weeks ago we contacted a wonderful agency in Louisiana I had a lovely chat with the director who was in process with a birth mother, since we had already done our home study she requested that we send her all of our information she felt like we might be a match with this birth mom. I sent everything to her and by the end of the week we were matched with this birth family. Miracle of Miracles we had been matched. There was not a lot of time as the birth mom was close to delivery and we needed to get everything in order. So we began the process of legal fees, application process and so on. We found out roughly March 10th. Now fast forward 8 weeks and here we are going home without a baby. I guess it is a risk you take when adopting. It really sucks and it hurts a lot but I have to hold out faith that eventually it will happen, eventually we will be a family!

The real story.......

Friday May 1st our soon to be adopted daughter was born. D and I flew down to New Orleans as soon as we found out! So excited!!!!! Once we got to N.O. we found out that we would have to wait the 5 day waiting period before we could see her, a minor set back but we could go with it.

Saturday May 2nd D and I tired from not sleeping the night before, (so much excitement) went to meet with the social worker to get everything in order. Great meeting!! Baby Woodward would go home with the Dr. and his wife until the 5 days were up and then we would be introduced. We would need a few more days to get everything complete and then the 3 Woodwards would be on there way home!

Saturday afternoon after our breakfast meeting D and I went to get few things for the baby, We had resisted up until this point but we felt pretty excited and had a few things on our mind that our little one might need! So off to the store, Onsies, little litte socks, hats , some diapers , wipes and some pacies don't forget the pacies !!

We arrive home about 20 minutes later our world crashes, the social worker comes over and informs us that they have changed there mind..........The birth parents have changed there mind! Apparently the birth father got curious and wanted to see her ( I don't blame him) He went into the nursery to just look and then to just hold and then to just feed. He just couldn't do it. If it were me I couldn't do it either, It still doesn't make it hurt any less.

Our hearts are broken but we will move on and make it. WE will try again. WE will have a family.