When we lost the baby last week our friends in WA got together and sent us to the coast for 3 days. It was a much needed time away for Derrick and I to process this thing that had just happened, a time to cry, rest, ask why about a million times and time for us to just be together. So something special that God has done for me over the course of my life in times of extreme heartache or stress is that He speaks to me through Dreams. Our 1st night at the Inn i was beside myself with grief, I was just talking out loud to God in my heartache and asking "why, why have you done a miracle in our life only to change your mind, only to take it away?" I asked Him in my heart if He would please speak to me please let me dream a dream that would help me to understand. That night we slept and i did not have a dream. i woke up in a lot of pain it was not a pleasant day. day 2 was very quiet we did not do much we both felt exhausted so we stayed in most of the day and were just quiet. Again than night in heart ache i prayed that God would please speak to me please help me understand His plan in all this. He heard my heart and this is what He said to me.......
In my dream I was standing on the balcony of our beautiful room looking out at the ocean, the water came up to the edge of the balcony. I was standing there with a fisher price plastic little kids fishing pole in my hand trying so hard to catch a fish. Trying so hard I was worn out. Over to my left there was a boat in it with a lady just hanging out watching the water NOT FISHING and NOT CARING that all these beautiful healthy fish were just jumping into her boat. She did not notice and really acted like she could care less that she was acquiring all these fish. I was frustrated that there were so many fish in the water and she was getting them all without trying and I was exhausting myself and still not catching anything. finally after a long time I hooked one, a very small lifeless little fish, I was so proud. This little fish was lifeless, wearing a pink life jacket and as It got closer I noticed it had no tail. I reeled it in and very much loved my little lifeless tailless fish. Derrick was standing behind me and He said. (I believe god through Him said) "You must let her go. You must put her back in the water" " You need to trust that I know what I am doing". So VERY reluctantly i put her back in the water, it nearly tore my heart out to put her in the water but i did. when I put her in the water she immediately snapped to life and swam away. The tide very quickly went out and then immediately came back in . When the tide came in the water was bubbling all around our deck like when a school of fish is in the water and 3 healthy strong fish jumped onto our Deck.
This is why our hearts are peaceful. God is saying through that dream to me that this last 6 years it has felt like everyone around us has been able to have children with no issue no difficulty, and we have tried so hard we have heard every lame explanation in the book, your too old, your equipment just doesn't work, Well I guess you are just meant to be barren. I've bought into some of it and started believing some of it. But the truth is, God is God. He has done a miracle in us ans HOPE had to be conceived and then be taken away to fulfill His purpose to complete something in me. She is and always has been apart of his plan, Exactly the way it happened. she Had to come and go so that the other 3 fish could come and live. We have an amazing God and NOTHING will stand in the way of HIS purposes. We will have children, I believe 3. they will be healthy, full term and in HIS time and to serve HIS purpose.
So after shareing this with Derrick us both bing blowen away by God and His amazing answer. About 10 minutes later Derrick looks at me and kind of stutters uh.....how many fish jumped on the deck???? I laughed it was really funny. I wanted to tell him 9 but I thought that would just not be funny at this moment. We have peace....and we have Hope.