Sunday, January 30, 2011

Her name is Hope...

January 14Th 2011 is a day that Derrick and I will never forget. It is the day that we were let in on a miracle that God had done in us. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We have been trying for 6 years we've had a rough go with 1 failed adoption and 6 years of frustration that this was just not happening for us. In December a good friend of mine from Kenya called me she wanted to know what was going on with us. I told her nothing.....same old same old.... We were still waiting for a miracle either with adoption or in us. She said God had woke her in the middle of the night and told her to pray for us, to pray for our protection because the hindrance had been removed....whatever was keeping us from getting pregnant God had removed it. I was cautious but hopeful. 30 days from the day we spoke we found out that we were pregnant, now that is a miracle God had done a miracle. Derrick needed more proof that we were pregnant so over a 48 hour period we took 5 tests 2 different brands of course, All positive. Our 1st Dr. visit also confirmed God had done a miracle.

We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!

January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!

Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.

Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.