When we lost the baby last week our friends in WA got together and sent us to the coast for 3 days. It was a much needed time away for Derrick and I to process this thing that had just happened, a time to cry, rest, ask why about a million times and time for us to just be together. So something special that God has done for me over the course of my life in times of extreme heartache or stress is that He speaks to me through Dreams. Our 1st night at the Inn i was beside myself with grief, I was just talking out loud to God in my heartache and asking "why, why have you done a miracle in our life only to change your mind, only to take it away?" I asked Him in my heart if He would please speak to me please let me dream a dream that would help me to understand. That night we slept and i did not have a dream. i woke up in a lot of pain it was not a pleasant day. day 2 was very quiet we did not do much we both felt exhausted so we stayed in most of the day and were just quiet. Again than night in heart ache i prayed that God would please speak to me please help me understand His plan in all this. He heard my heart and this is what He said to me.......
In my dream I was standing on the balcony of our beautiful room looking out at the ocean, the water came up to the edge of the balcony. I was standing there with a fisher price plastic little kids fishing pole in my hand trying so hard to catch a fish. Trying so hard I was worn out. Over to my left there was a boat in it with a lady just hanging out watching the water NOT FISHING and NOT CARING that all these beautiful healthy fish were just jumping into her boat. She did not notice and really acted like she could care less that she was acquiring all these fish. I was frustrated that there were so many fish in the water and she was getting them all without trying and I was exhausting myself and still not catching anything. finally after a long time I hooked one, a very small lifeless little fish, I was so proud. This little fish was lifeless, wearing a pink life jacket and as It got closer I noticed it had no tail. I reeled it in and very much loved my little lifeless tailless fish. Derrick was standing behind me and He said. (I believe god through Him said) "You must let her go. You must put her back in the water" " You need to trust that I know what I am doing". So VERY reluctantly i put her back in the water, it nearly tore my heart out to put her in the water but i did. when I put her in the water she immediately snapped to life and swam away. The tide very quickly went out and then immediately came back in . When the tide came in the water was bubbling all around our deck like when a school of fish is in the water and 3 healthy strong fish jumped onto our Deck.
This is why our hearts are peaceful. God is saying through that dream to me that this last 6 years it has felt like everyone around us has been able to have children with no issue no difficulty, and we have tried so hard we have heard every lame explanation in the book, your too old, your equipment just doesn't work, Well I guess you are just meant to be barren. I've bought into some of it and started believing some of it. But the truth is, God is God. He has done a miracle in us ans HOPE had to be conceived and then be taken away to fulfill His purpose to complete something in me. She is and always has been apart of his plan, Exactly the way it happened. she Had to come and go so that the other 3 fish could come and live. We have an amazing God and NOTHING will stand in the way of HIS purposes. We will have children, I believe 3. they will be healthy, full term and in HIS time and to serve HIS purpose.
So after shareing this with Derrick us both bing blowen away by God and His amazing answer. About 10 minutes later Derrick looks at me and kind of stutters uh.....how many fish jumped on the deck???? I laughed it was really funny. I wanted to tell him 9 but I thought that would just not be funny at this moment. We have peace....and we have Hope.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Her name is Hope...
January 14Th 2011 is a day that Derrick and I will never forget. It is the day that we were let in on a miracle that God had done in us. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We have been trying for 6 years we've had a rough go with 1 failed adoption and 6 years of frustration that this was just not happening for us. In December a good friend of mine from Kenya called me she wanted to know what was going on with us. I told her nothing.....same old same old.... We were still waiting for a miracle either with adoption or in us. She said God had woke her in the middle of the night and told her to pray for us, to pray for our protection because the hindrance had been removed....whatever was keeping us from getting pregnant God had removed it. I was cautious but hopeful. 30 days from the day we spoke we found out that we were pregnant, now that is a miracle God had done a miracle. Derrick needed more proof that we were pregnant so over a 48 hour period we took 5 tests 2 different brands of course, All positive. Our 1st Dr. visit also confirmed God had done a miracle.
We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!
January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!
Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.
Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.
We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!
January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!
Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.
Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.
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