I was flipping through my bible this morning when I stumbled upon a Psalm that had a long note written next to it. It is dated 8/16/ 2011. The Psalm is Psalm 142 it says this.
i cry aloud to the Lord; i lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. i pour out my complaint before Him; before Him i tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me it is you who know my way. In the path where i walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. i have no refuge no one cares for my life. i cry to you o Lord; i say, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for i am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are to strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that i may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.
This is how i've felt for much of this journey through infertility. i have felt alone, pursued by fear, anger & heartache, locked in prison. The note, or prayer that i wrote that day said this.
" Father free me from this heartache. Free me from the prison of infertility, empty arms, hopeless thoughts, feeling purposeless. The enemy pursues me daily to give into destructive thoughts, because the struggle feels to great. God you are greater than my struggle, Please hide D and i in the shadow of your wings. We are vulnerable our hearts are stripped out in the open. Protect us. Fill our arms, our home and our hearts, i'm not sure we can take much more. Please father fulfill your promise to us, fill our home with the children you choose, Adopted and natural. In Jesus name i ask amen."
Derrick and i had just come home from a brief trip to the Florida. A childhood friend had called Derrick to ask if we would be willing to meet her friend who was considering adoption. We decided to go not expecting a lot , just a get to know you kind of meeting. We had a great time reconnecting with old friends and clicked with a new friend. It was a great weekend! over the next couple of weeks the 3 of us, D, the birth mom and i, started a conversation, how would this look?, what are the details?, are we ready to pursue an adoption?, "am I ready to give my baby up for adoption?", All the things that need to happen in order for this amazingly hard/ yet beautiful thing called adoption to happen. When i wrote the note in my bible....i was really scared once again to jump in feet first, we both felt peace but just a little scared. We have been through so much. 7 years of infertility, 1 horribly failed adoption, 2 miscarriages a lot of drama, just straight drama!But.....God.....He always has a plan, He is not Dead,
He is not powerless, His is still involved actively in our lives.
i'm pleased to announce that Derrick and i are on the East coast trying to hold all of our excitement in.....Our baby girl will be born soon, She's coming maybe today maybe tomorrow, it could be next week! we don't care shes coming very very soon!! God fulfills his promises to us, usually never in our timing but always right on time for His timing! God is graciously placing our first sweet child into our home through adoption. He is also placing our 2ND child in our home 4 months later....I'm 5 months pregnant with another little girl!!
HE ANSWERS PRAYER,HE MOVES MOUNTAINS AND STILL DOES MIRICLES, HE KNOWS OUR HEARTACHE, HE IS WITH US AND FOR US! just in case you were unaware.
So It looks like these sweet baby girls are the first 2 of the 3 fish, if you don't know what I'm talking about, see older posts. I will let you know when baby girl #1 is born.....and then if there is time I'll let you know in
July when baby girl # 2 arrives! Life's about to get busy! Praise Jesus!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Three Healthy Fish
When we lost the baby last week our friends in WA got together and sent us to the coast for 3 days. It was a much needed time away for Derrick and I to process this thing that had just happened, a time to cry, rest, ask why about a million times and time for us to just be together. So something special that God has done for me over the course of my life in times of extreme heartache or stress is that He speaks to me through Dreams. Our 1st night at the Inn i was beside myself with grief, I was just talking out loud to God in my heartache and asking "why, why have you done a miracle in our life only to change your mind, only to take it away?" I asked Him in my heart if He would please speak to me please let me dream a dream that would help me to understand. That night we slept and i did not have a dream. i woke up in a lot of pain it was not a pleasant day. day 2 was very quiet we did not do much we both felt exhausted so we stayed in most of the day and were just quiet. Again than night in heart ache i prayed that God would please speak to me please help me understand His plan in all this. He heard my heart and this is what He said to me.......
In my dream I was standing on the balcony of our beautiful room looking out at the ocean, the water came up to the edge of the balcony. I was standing there with a fisher price plastic little kids fishing pole in my hand trying so hard to catch a fish. Trying so hard I was worn out. Over to my left there was a boat in it with a lady just hanging out watching the water NOT FISHING and NOT CARING that all these beautiful healthy fish were just jumping into her boat. She did not notice and really acted like she could care less that she was acquiring all these fish. I was frustrated that there were so many fish in the water and she was getting them all without trying and I was exhausting myself and still not catching anything. finally after a long time I hooked one, a very small lifeless little fish, I was so proud. This little fish was lifeless, wearing a pink life jacket and as It got closer I noticed it had no tail. I reeled it in and very much loved my little lifeless tailless fish. Derrick was standing behind me and He said. (I believe god through Him said) "You must let her go. You must put her back in the water" " You need to trust that I know what I am doing". So VERY reluctantly i put her back in the water, it nearly tore my heart out to put her in the water but i did. when I put her in the water she immediately snapped to life and swam away. The tide very quickly went out and then immediately came back in . When the tide came in the water was bubbling all around our deck like when a school of fish is in the water and 3 healthy strong fish jumped onto our Deck.
This is why our hearts are peaceful. God is saying through that dream to me that this last 6 years it has felt like everyone around us has been able to have children with no issue no difficulty, and we have tried so hard we have heard every lame explanation in the book, your too old, your equipment just doesn't work, Well I guess you are just meant to be barren. I've bought into some of it and started believing some of it. But the truth is, God is God. He has done a miracle in us ans HOPE had to be conceived and then be taken away to fulfill His purpose to complete something in me. She is and always has been apart of his plan, Exactly the way it happened. she Had to come and go so that the other 3 fish could come and live. We have an amazing God and NOTHING will stand in the way of HIS purposes. We will have children, I believe 3. they will be healthy, full term and in HIS time and to serve HIS purpose.
So after shareing this with Derrick us both bing blowen away by God and His amazing answer. About 10 minutes later Derrick looks at me and kind of stutters uh.....how many fish jumped on the deck???? I laughed it was really funny. I wanted to tell him 9 but I thought that would just not be funny at this moment. We have peace....and we have Hope.
In my dream I was standing on the balcony of our beautiful room looking out at the ocean, the water came up to the edge of the balcony. I was standing there with a fisher price plastic little kids fishing pole in my hand trying so hard to catch a fish. Trying so hard I was worn out. Over to my left there was a boat in it with a lady just hanging out watching the water NOT FISHING and NOT CARING that all these beautiful healthy fish were just jumping into her boat. She did not notice and really acted like she could care less that she was acquiring all these fish. I was frustrated that there were so many fish in the water and she was getting them all without trying and I was exhausting myself and still not catching anything. finally after a long time I hooked one, a very small lifeless little fish, I was so proud. This little fish was lifeless, wearing a pink life jacket and as It got closer I noticed it had no tail. I reeled it in and very much loved my little lifeless tailless fish. Derrick was standing behind me and He said. (I believe god through Him said) "You must let her go. You must put her back in the water" " You need to trust that I know what I am doing". So VERY reluctantly i put her back in the water, it nearly tore my heart out to put her in the water but i did. when I put her in the water she immediately snapped to life and swam away. The tide very quickly went out and then immediately came back in . When the tide came in the water was bubbling all around our deck like when a school of fish is in the water and 3 healthy strong fish jumped onto our Deck.
This is why our hearts are peaceful. God is saying through that dream to me that this last 6 years it has felt like everyone around us has been able to have children with no issue no difficulty, and we have tried so hard we have heard every lame explanation in the book, your too old, your equipment just doesn't work, Well I guess you are just meant to be barren. I've bought into some of it and started believing some of it. But the truth is, God is God. He has done a miracle in us ans HOPE had to be conceived and then be taken away to fulfill His purpose to complete something in me. She is and always has been apart of his plan, Exactly the way it happened. she Had to come and go so that the other 3 fish could come and live. We have an amazing God and NOTHING will stand in the way of HIS purposes. We will have children, I believe 3. they will be healthy, full term and in HIS time and to serve HIS purpose.
So after shareing this with Derrick us both bing blowen away by God and His amazing answer. About 10 minutes later Derrick looks at me and kind of stutters uh.....how many fish jumped on the deck???? I laughed it was really funny. I wanted to tell him 9 but I thought that would just not be funny at this moment. We have peace....and we have Hope.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Her name is Hope...
January 14Th 2011 is a day that Derrick and I will never forget. It is the day that we were let in on a miracle that God had done in us. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We have been trying for 6 years we've had a rough go with 1 failed adoption and 6 years of frustration that this was just not happening for us. In December a good friend of mine from Kenya called me she wanted to know what was going on with us. I told her nothing.....same old same old.... We were still waiting for a miracle either with adoption or in us. She said God had woke her in the middle of the night and told her to pray for us, to pray for our protection because the hindrance had been removed....whatever was keeping us from getting pregnant God had removed it. I was cautious but hopeful. 30 days from the day we spoke we found out that we were pregnant, now that is a miracle God had done a miracle. Derrick needed more proof that we were pregnant so over a 48 hour period we took 5 tests 2 different brands of course, All positive. Our 1st Dr. visit also confirmed God had done a miracle.
We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!
January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!
Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.
Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.
We knew we were taking a chance by telling the entire world we were pregnant so early but really we didn't care, we still don't care We were overflowing with Joy and we wanted the entire world to know it. I felt sick!! My girls were like throbbing heat beacons!! WE were PREGNANT!!!
January 26Th is also a day we wont to quickly forget. I woke up and got ready to go to work, I felt normal, tired and a little woozy but nothing to bad. I had been at work for a few hours when I just couldn't make myself feel right, I was more tired than usual, I ached, I hadn't ached like this before. I told my boss I needed to go she graciously with no questions asked told me to get out of there. I got home and took a nap. An hour later I knew it was over, I called Derrick and told him we needed to go to the hospital, we were loosing the baby. The blood test and the ultrasound all confirmed what our hearts didn't want to hear, It was over. The Dr on call might I add had the bed side manner of a brick....a very heavy not to bright brick. Derrick didn't let me tell her exactly what I wanted to tell her, He said it would have not been very Christian of me.......I really didn't care at that point and I'm pretty sure Jesus and at least Peter would have backed me up!
Our Hearts were so sad and so confused why had God gone to all the trouble of helping us get pregnant just to take him/her away so quickly. I felt so much more angry than I did sad, way down inside I also felt a tremendous amount of Hope, still angry but hopeful. We got home and the thing that I SO did not want to happen was to pass this sweet small life and it just be flushed away or discarded as medical hazardous waste, I could not fathom that this sweet baby, my baby would be tossed away I already loved him/her and no matter what any dill whole Dr said He/She was our miracle. In Mary Cathryn Coping fashion I took another nap(better than eating a plate of brownies.....I did that when I woke up)When I woke up I took a hot bath the business of a miscarriage is not at all comfortable or at all entertaining. WARNING>>>>> this is about to get graphic if you are faint of heart or a Man you might want to turn away now>>>>> Before I got out of the bath I passed the little ball that was our baby, I got her out and Derrick my precious husband wrapped her up we were able to cry over her and pray that God would take care of her in our absence, We named Her and Derrick buried her under a fruit tree in our back yard. We named Her Hope. God has given us Hope He has done a miracle in us and for whatever reason this baby was meant to get us ready for the others that are coming. God does not do things half way our healing was complete, We don't fully understand this thing that has happened but we do know that He is at work in us and He has a plan. Hope had a purpose she served her purpose and He called her home.
Now we wait with Hope in our hearts for the rest of the story. Thank You to our Precious friends who sent us away for these last 3 days. We were able to rest, cry, eat, rest some more and just listen to what God was telling us through the grief we are feeling. You will never know how much you blessed Derrick and I. We love you.
Monday, March 29, 2010
We Just Have Peace.....
I'm not really sure what to say or how to write what I'm about to write. It kind of feels foreign. D and I still very much want a family and we still know that adoption will be apart of our life, but for some unknown reason this adoption just is not the one. We met a few weeks ago with the birth mom and had a great visit. We discussed all the hard questions and even some of the silly quirky ones. She is fun, responsible, adventurous, kind and a great person who I would love to get to know better. There is no reason we should not move forward with this adoption except something in our gut.
For some unknown reason we both felt like we were not suppose to move forward with this adoption. Can you imagine how D was feeling when he knew he had to tell me he didn't think this was our situation.......Seriously he said he wanted to throw up, He was sure that I was going to loose my mind. I can't imagine why in the world he would think that. When she left and we started talking about how we were feeling we both were unsettled. Again there is no reason we should feel unsettled but we did. We prayed together and separately for the next few days, We still felt unsettled. So we put a huge fleece out before the Lord and said OK God if this is our adoption and we are just wanting to pull back because of Fear show us in this way......We waited and we waited and we waited some more.
After a week we decided that we needed to let this mom know how we were feeling and ultimately let this baby go. So that is what we did. She was understanding and confused because she like us thought that this was a perfect fit. We felt relief and peace. That is all we have to go on, The Peace of God that we made the right decision. It has been a few weeks and we still have peace.
God is God and I believe he sees the beginning from the end. I know that He has a plan for this baby, this birth mom, and for us. I trust that His plan is so much better than mine. We are excited to see what He does next in our journey.
For some unknown reason we both felt like we were not suppose to move forward with this adoption. Can you imagine how D was feeling when he knew he had to tell me he didn't think this was our situation.......Seriously he said he wanted to throw up, He was sure that I was going to loose my mind. I can't imagine why in the world he would think that. When she left and we started talking about how we were feeling we both were unsettled. Again there is no reason we should feel unsettled but we did. We prayed together and separately for the next few days, We still felt unsettled. So we put a huge fleece out before the Lord and said OK God if this is our adoption and we are just wanting to pull back because of Fear show us in this way......We waited and we waited and we waited some more.
After a week we decided that we needed to let this mom know how we were feeling and ultimately let this baby go. So that is what we did. She was understanding and confused because she like us thought that this was a perfect fit. We felt relief and peace. That is all we have to go on, The Peace of God that we made the right decision. It has been a few weeks and we still have peace.
God is God and I believe he sees the beginning from the end. I know that He has a plan for this baby, this birth mom, and for us. I trust that His plan is so much better than mine. We are excited to see what He does next in our journey.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Just a quick update......
So We had a great weekend with the birth mom! She really is taking this decision very seriously. I respect the amount of effort she has put into making the right choice. So all that being said...... No decision has been made yet. D and I are praying for God's best in this situation, and we know that in this situation it does not necessarily mean that we will adopt this baby. We have peace.....Complete peace. We will keep you posted when we know more!! Thanks for continuing to pray for us!
Cat
Cat
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Don't be afraid, Just Believe...
It has been 6 months since my last post. It, as always, has been a wild ride. We are still believing that God will allow me to get pregnant, but as of yet we are still waiting. We have moved to WA where D has a new job that he loves, and i am still trying to figure out what i need to be doing. Well i guess i should just come out and say it...We are in the adoption process again! We are terrified, excited, apprehensive,and a big ball of emotion. We were not looking for this, in fact, two weeks before all this happened, i told D that i still wasn't ready. The situation in Louisiana ANNIHILATED me, us. I still have a hard time thinking about her without crying. I fell in love with her and my heart does not fall out of love very easy. We think about her and pray for her often we know that God has a plan for her little life.
So here we are. This situation is SO different from the first one: we were approached by some friends in early Dec about a friend of theirs who had found herself in a hard situation...she was pregnant from a one time lapse in judgment...this is so not her MO but here she is pregnant, 29, and so not wanting to be a single mom. Would we agree to just meet her? She just needed someone to talk this adoption thing through with, no promises, just a conversation. We met her and had a cup of coffee and had a long hard conversation about adoption; its benefits and its downfalls for all parties involved. I surprised myself in that i was so business Mary Cat, i intentionally tried not to connect with her, i just couldn't go there again. At the end of our meeting D told her that we would like to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby and i was so mad at him! I just agreed to have coffee, not get hurt again. He's so good for me; he calmly said if we don't ever put ourselves out there again we will regret it. He's right, we will. So, that Dec meeting started a process of e-mailing and answering a ton of her questions about us, about the baby and well all the what ifs... So, here we are this weekend she is coming to visit us from another western state. She wants to have one last visit with us before she makes her final decision.
The other night i couldn't sleep..imagine that. I know God was tugging on my heart to get up and lay my burden down. He woke me up with Mark 5...Mark 5....Mark 5. That is all he kept saying over and over and over. Mark 5 is about 3 very different stories: the demon possessed man, the woman with the issue of blood and the family who's daughter is dying. This chapter is about healing, restoration and raising the dead. Jesus is healing and restoring our hearts and raising this child from the dead. It's about faith and trust, believing that God can do the impossible in our lives. As I type this, I know that God is our healer. He is our portion and nothing is impossible for him to do in our lives! I believe you're my healer, I believe you are all I need, I believe you're my portion, I believe you are more than enough for me, Jesus, you're all I need! The portion of this passage that stood out to me,a few nights ago is "don't be afraid, just believe". God is who He says He is. We can trust Him, even when the outcome is not what we think it should be or should have been we can trust Him He is Trustworthy.
Please pray for us this weekend as we meet with this birth mother and allow God to continue to heal our hearts and restore His promise in our lives....whatever that means.
So here we are. This situation is SO different from the first one: we were approached by some friends in early Dec about a friend of theirs who had found herself in a hard situation...she was pregnant from a one time lapse in judgment...this is so not her MO but here she is pregnant, 29, and so not wanting to be a single mom. Would we agree to just meet her? She just needed someone to talk this adoption thing through with, no promises, just a conversation. We met her and had a cup of coffee and had a long hard conversation about adoption; its benefits and its downfalls for all parties involved. I surprised myself in that i was so business Mary Cat, i intentionally tried not to connect with her, i just couldn't go there again. At the end of our meeting D told her that we would like to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby and i was so mad at him! I just agreed to have coffee, not get hurt again. He's so good for me; he calmly said if we don't ever put ourselves out there again we will regret it. He's right, we will. So, that Dec meeting started a process of e-mailing and answering a ton of her questions about us, about the baby and well all the what ifs... So, here we are this weekend she is coming to visit us from another western state. She wants to have one last visit with us before she makes her final decision.
The other night i couldn't sleep..imagine that. I know God was tugging on my heart to get up and lay my burden down. He woke me up with Mark 5...Mark 5....Mark 5. That is all he kept saying over and over and over. Mark 5 is about 3 very different stories: the demon possessed man, the woman with the issue of blood and the family who's daughter is dying. This chapter is about healing, restoration and raising the dead. Jesus is healing and restoring our hearts and raising this child from the dead. It's about faith and trust, believing that God can do the impossible in our lives. As I type this, I know that God is our healer. He is our portion and nothing is impossible for him to do in our lives! I believe you're my healer, I believe you are all I need, I believe you're my portion, I believe you are more than enough for me, Jesus, you're all I need! The portion of this passage that stood out to me,a few nights ago is "don't be afraid, just believe". God is who He says He is. We can trust Him, even when the outcome is not what we think it should be or should have been we can trust Him He is Trustworthy.
Please pray for us this weekend as we meet with this birth mother and allow God to continue to heal our hearts and restore His promise in our lives....whatever that means.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
For the Love of Pete and Fran Just Be Still Already
Why can't we ever force ourselves to just be still? God clearly tells us how to approach Him, He tells us how to hear Him and He even gives us instruction on how to understand what He is saying. " Be still and know that I AM God". It's the be still part that i can never do unless i am forced. i am in bed recovering from surgery. i have tons of time to think, pray and attempt to listen. all in all i feel like God has said it's time to stop whining and it is time to start trusting. This entire journey has had one recurring theme God asking us if we trust Him? With our mouths we have said yes but in our hearts we have cherished fear. Fear is so much easier in the moment,however in the long run it is a cunning trap of the enemy. he distracts us and gets our eyes off of the one who is sovereign and in charge and puts the focus on our navels. Yes its rue, We've been navel gazing for the last 4 years. I'm tired of saying.... Poor me, Why us, It's too hard, i can't do it, It's not fair...... Yeah Yeah, well the cross wasn't fair either but you didn't hear Jesus complaining!! I can't tell you how freeing it has been to finally call it what it is. Fear its just blinking fear!!! Fear of the unknown and fear of the what ifs!!! How stupid can we be. i have been so paralyzed by fear that i feel like we have wasted 4 years of good time just reveling in the stuff.Well, enough is enough!! We are ready to trust, we are ready to listen and we are ready for whatever God has next for us. We are ready to stop picking the lint out of our belly buttons and we are ready to fight.
Through this procedure we have learned that i had several things going on under the hood. There was a large fibroid tumor (non-cancerous) in the middle of my uterus that has been removed. Also i had several fibroid cysts on both of my ovaries thanks to a laser they are now history. There was also quite a bit of endometriosis in there and a pallup on the inside of my uterus. Just to add some extra flair i have one fallopian tube that is healthy and doing her job and the other is Lazy and is only pulling about 25% of her weight. Throw in a partridge and a keg of 1554 and there was quite a little party going on in there!
We will meet with our Dr. on the 20Th to find out what our prognosis is. After surgery he told D that he felt very positive about our chances, now that everything has been cleaned up.D and i are learning everyday what it means to just be still and know. We know that God is in control and we know that He does have a plan for us. Sometimes in the middle of the pain we forget. Thank you all for your encouragment and your prayers we have desperately needed them. As always we will keep you posted!!
Through this procedure we have learned that i had several things going on under the hood. There was a large fibroid tumor (non-cancerous) in the middle of my uterus that has been removed. Also i had several fibroid cysts on both of my ovaries thanks to a laser they are now history. There was also quite a bit of endometriosis in there and a pallup on the inside of my uterus. Just to add some extra flair i have one fallopian tube that is healthy and doing her job and the other is Lazy and is only pulling about 25% of her weight. Throw in a partridge and a keg of 1554 and there was quite a little party going on in there!
We will meet with our Dr. on the 20Th to find out what our prognosis is. After surgery he told D that he felt very positive about our chances, now that everything has been cleaned up.D and i are learning everyday what it means to just be still and know. We know that God is in control and we know that He does have a plan for us. Sometimes in the middle of the pain we forget. Thank you all for your encouragment and your prayers we have desperately needed them. As always we will keep you posted!!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Vessel of Hope
Just when you think it's over, there's no hope to be found; The bottom has dropped out and you should probably just shrivel up and die. God ALWAYS has a way of changing our prospective, lifting our head to see things His way. In my world it is never what you think He is going to do or even what you think He should do. He has given us a fresh breath of hope.
Earlier this week i got a phone call from my mom. She works with a girl who is familiar with this road we are walking and has been touched by our deep desire to be parents. She meet with my mom to share her desire to help us become parents. She told her that she believes she is to make herself available to us as a surrogate. She understands what it means, she has weighed the pros's and con's and has decided this would be something of purpose.She said "I know that I would be the vessel that would give them Hope" What an amazing selfless act. This conversation has opened up all sorts of things for D and i. Until this we both felt like our only chance for a family would be adoption or the mighty hand of God healing whatever is wrong in my body. This is an angle we've never thought was even possible.
How would it work? What are the chances? Could we really do this? How do we feel about In-Vetro? All of the things we thought were settled in our minds and hearts are all fresh and open again. We have Hope. Are hearts are active.
We have decided to pursue several options. We are continuing to walk down the adoption road as well as to finally put to rest whether or not i will ever be able to carry a child. We have to figure out my physical issues before we can make the decision to ask someone else to carry a child for us. We will keep you all posted
Earlier this week i got a phone call from my mom. She works with a girl who is familiar with this road we are walking and has been touched by our deep desire to be parents. She meet with my mom to share her desire to help us become parents. She told her that she believes she is to make herself available to us as a surrogate. She understands what it means, she has weighed the pros's and con's and has decided this would be something of purpose.She said "I know that I would be the vessel that would give them Hope" What an amazing selfless act. This conversation has opened up all sorts of things for D and i. Until this we both felt like our only chance for a family would be adoption or the mighty hand of God healing whatever is wrong in my body. This is an angle we've never thought was even possible.
How would it work? What are the chances? Could we really do this? How do we feel about In-Vetro? All of the things we thought were settled in our minds and hearts are all fresh and open again. We have Hope. Are hearts are active.
We have decided to pursue several options. We are continuing to walk down the adoption road as well as to finally put to rest whether or not i will ever be able to carry a child. We have to figure out my physical issues before we can make the decision to ask someone else to carry a child for us. We will keep you all posted
Friday, June 5, 2009
Cloudy Day
Today is a hard day. I'm not sure what triggered it, I just woke up this morning with a cloud on my head. I want to understand, for just one moment I would like to know why this is our struggle.
I know all the correct things to meditate on, I know where to find them in the bible, I have quoted them to myself 10,0000 times but today I just want to understand......!
My heart aches, my arms are empty and I'm pissed! Why....Why ....Why!!! Un-Wed mothers can, crack addicts can, stray dogs in Mexico can but I can't.It's really pitiful to feel jealous of a dog with a litter.
How do I have purpose, What was I created for if not for this. If children are a blessing from the Lord what have I done to curse myself this way. These are the thoughts that go through my mind in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
I guess this is the ultimate test of faith for us..Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I believe the sun will shine again and this loneliness someday will end, In my mind I know that, I really wish my mind would convince my heart.
I know all the correct things to meditate on, I know where to find them in the bible, I have quoted them to myself 10,0000 times but today I just want to understand......!
My heart aches, my arms are empty and I'm pissed! Why....Why ....Why!!! Un-Wed mothers can, crack addicts can, stray dogs in Mexico can but I can't.It's really pitiful to feel jealous of a dog with a litter.
How do I have purpose, What was I created for if not for this. If children are a blessing from the Lord what have I done to curse myself this way. These are the thoughts that go through my mind in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
I guess this is the ultimate test of faith for us..Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I believe the sun will shine again and this loneliness someday will end, In my mind I know that, I really wish my mind would convince my heart.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sometimes it's ok to just listen
We've been home for a few weeks now and honestly the heartache is dulling some. We still struggle but it is becoming easier to want to get out of bed in the morning. I have stopped struggling with why so much and am now just wondering if we can do this again..... If we don't we loose if we do we still might loose.
All of you wonderful woman who have the privilege of carrying a child, giving birth to a sweet baby that is 1/2 you and 1/2 your husband, please enjoy them. Please know what a gift they are. Remember every time they invade your space, cry in the middle of the night for the 4Th time & spill paint on the new carpet please, for all of us who can not or have not yet had the pleasure, please remember what a miracle they are. If you have someone in your life struggling with infertility please hold your words close. All of us who are struggling need a listening ear not a cute antidote or a condescending remark. Infertility is emotionally, physically and spiritually one of the most painful things I have evey gone through. If you can't relate because you have never been there just admit you don't have the words.Just be there for your friends who are experiencing something you will never understand.
hug your babies and your husband today
All of you wonderful woman who have the privilege of carrying a child, giving birth to a sweet baby that is 1/2 you and 1/2 your husband, please enjoy them. Please know what a gift they are. Remember every time they invade your space, cry in the middle of the night for the 4Th time & spill paint on the new carpet please, for all of us who can not or have not yet had the pleasure, please remember what a miracle they are. If you have someone in your life struggling with infertility please hold your words close. All of us who are struggling need a listening ear not a cute antidote or a condescending remark. Infertility is emotionally, physically and spiritually one of the most painful things I have evey gone through. If you can't relate because you have never been there just admit you don't have the words.Just be there for your friends who are experiencing something you will never understand.
hug your babies and your husband today
Monday, May 11, 2009
Let The Healing Begin !
Church yesterday could have been a colossal disaster!! But God..... He knew what my cynical heart needed. As I forced myself to walk into the double doors to hear another sermon on all the virtues of motherhood,I noticed something that could only have been ordered by Him. On the stage in front of me was 85 well dressed college guys singing there hearts out. This choir sang for an hour and a half only one mention of Mothers day. It felt like hot soothing oil was being poured over our heads and our hearts. They sang every old hymn I love and made me cry until I hurt but it was exactly what I needed. I am so glad I went.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Finally Home
Well we did it.... We made it home. I think the airplane ride was one of the longest in my life! I felt like I was leaving my heart in Louisiana!!!!!! All I can say is I'm not sure I ever want to feel that pain ever again. To want something so much and have it so close and then to have it truly ripped out of your heart has to be the most desperate place D and I have ever been in. How do you stop loving this little person that you have dreamed about, hoped for and cherrished before you have ever even been given the opportunity to see her.
The only thing we can do is pray that God would cover her, be her protector and guide her little life. God birthed her in our heart for a reason we can't denie that our paths have crossed for a reason. Preacious Holy Father please redeem this in omly a way that you can. Please touch this life and this family. Make this father and mother lover and care for her better than they ever thought they could. Give her a love for you at a young age, give her eyes and a heart to see you. Lord save her. Give D and I hearts that will not grow bitter but hearts that will see you in every situation. Thanks for continuing to hold us up in prayer.... MC
The only thing we can do is pray that God would cover her, be her protector and guide her little life. God birthed her in our heart for a reason we can't denie that our paths have crossed for a reason. Preacious Holy Father please redeem this in omly a way that you can. Please touch this life and this family. Make this father and mother lover and care for her better than they ever thought they could. Give her a love for you at a young age, give her eyes and a heart to see you. Lord save her. Give D and I hearts that will not grow bitter but hearts that will see you in every situation. Thanks for continuing to hold us up in prayer.... MC
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Our Journey that brought us to New Orleans
D and I have been looking into adoption seriously for about a year and a half. 8 weeks ago we decided it was time to find a placing agency, we had a local agency that would take care of our home study. Now we needed an agency that would help us find a child who needed a home. We have discovered through this journey that there are 2 camps in the adoption world. Those willing to wait sometimes years for there perfect match (gender, race, eye color.....). I'm not sure what you would label our camp, for D and I we just want babies, we don't care if they look like us we just want to raise a family. We realize that being a conspicuous family has it's issues but our thought is that we want to love and raise children no matter there gender, race or eye color. There is nothing wrong with either camp we are just in the later.
SO 8 weeks ago we contacted a wonderful agency in Louisiana I had a lovely chat with the director who was in process with a birth mother, since we had already done our home study she requested that we send her all of our information she felt like we might be a match with this birth mom. I sent everything to her and by the end of the week we were matched with this birth family. Miracle of Miracles we had been matched. There was not a lot of time as the birth mom was close to delivery and we needed to get everything in order. So we began the process of legal fees, application process and so on. We found out roughly March 10th. Now fast forward 8 weeks and here we are going home without a baby. I guess it is a risk you take when adopting. It really sucks and it hurts a lot but I have to hold out faith that eventually it will happen, eventually we will be a family!
SO 8 weeks ago we contacted a wonderful agency in Louisiana I had a lovely chat with the director who was in process with a birth mother, since we had already done our home study she requested that we send her all of our information she felt like we might be a match with this birth mom. I sent everything to her and by the end of the week we were matched with this birth family. Miracle of Miracles we had been matched. There was not a lot of time as the birth mom was close to delivery and we needed to get everything in order. So we began the process of legal fees, application process and so on. We found out roughly March 10th. Now fast forward 8 weeks and here we are going home without a baby. I guess it is a risk you take when adopting. It really sucks and it hurts a lot but I have to hold out faith that eventually it will happen, eventually we will be a family!
The real story.......
Friday May 1st our soon to be adopted daughter was born. D and I flew down to New Orleans as soon as we found out! So excited!!!!! Once we got to N.O. we found out that we would have to wait the 5 day waiting period before we could see her, a minor set back but we could go with it.
Saturday May 2nd D and I tired from not sleeping the night before, (so much excitement) went to meet with the social worker to get everything in order. Great meeting!! Baby Woodward would go home with the Dr. and his wife until the 5 days were up and then we would be introduced. We would need a few more days to get everything complete and then the 3 Woodwards would be on there way home!
Saturday afternoon after our breakfast meeting D and I went to get few things for the baby, We had resisted up until this point but we felt pretty excited and had a few things on our mind that our little one might need! So off to the store, Onsies, little litte socks, hats , some diapers , wipes and some pacies don't forget the pacies !!
We arrive home about 20 minutes later our world crashes, the social worker comes over and informs us that they have changed there mind..........The birth parents have changed there mind! Apparently the birth father got curious and wanted to see her ( I don't blame him) He went into the nursery to just look and then to just hold and then to just feed. He just couldn't do it. If it were me I couldn't do it either, It still doesn't make it hurt any less.
Our hearts are broken but we will move on and make it. WE will try again. WE will have a family.
Saturday May 2nd D and I tired from not sleeping the night before, (so much excitement) went to meet with the social worker to get everything in order. Great meeting!! Baby Woodward would go home with the Dr. and his wife until the 5 days were up and then we would be introduced. We would need a few more days to get everything complete and then the 3 Woodwards would be on there way home!
Saturday afternoon after our breakfast meeting D and I went to get few things for the baby, We had resisted up until this point but we felt pretty excited and had a few things on our mind that our little one might need! So off to the store, Onsies, little litte socks, hats , some diapers , wipes and some pacies don't forget the pacies !!
We arrive home about 20 minutes later our world crashes, the social worker comes over and informs us that they have changed there mind..........The birth parents have changed there mind! Apparently the birth father got curious and wanted to see her ( I don't blame him) He went into the nursery to just look and then to just hold and then to just feed. He just couldn't do it. If it were me I couldn't do it either, It still doesn't make it hurt any less.
Our hearts are broken but we will move on and make it. WE will try again. WE will have a family.
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